Dear Omniscient Cloud Oracle:
You’ve always been there, anticipating my secret thoughts, then poking those sensitive, insecure spots. Like a comfortable, yet emotionally abusive boyfriend. I want out and yet I love you because no one else will ever know me like you do.
I’ll never forget when I first had my babies and went on a posting rampage, sharing those typical first-time moments: first smile, tummy time, first bath. And in response, you started sending me weight loss ads. Only you knew I still had 30lbs to go before my post-baby body would be fuckable again and your daily reminders really helped. So. So much.
It seems like just yesterday you once again portended my body image issues with advertisements for facial rejuvenation services and breast augmentation. I used to get these in my inbox at least once a week and wonder as I scrutinized my pores and floppy tits: “Did someone complain? How else would you know?”
If I think really hard, I can remember a time when I may have searched “Single mother’s housing options + Vancouver” and “How to survive on one income” during a big fight with my husband. But it was hard to hide my feelings of restless and resentment when both my Facebook page and my inbox were flooded with ads for divorce lawyers. You may be disappointed to know my husband and I worked everything out – and without cashing in your coupons for Tinder and Ashley Maddison, but thanks for those thoughtful suggestions.
I don’t know how to interpret this and it actually fucked me up a little because I just got through a mid-life crisis and shit like this actually makes me regress a little. I’m hoping you’ll read this blog or sense the intention behind it and consider sending me alternative ads for rock concerts or experimental theatre shows. Or better yet, a coupon offering a heavily discounted membership for a wine club. Just a suggestion.
What lovely little tidbits is the Facebook Oracle sending you? Let me know.
And also subscribe and/or share because it will greatly improve my sense of self-worth and general well being. Thank you.