Dear Omniscient Cloud Oracle:

computer-geek

This may be the Facebook Oracle who affects my future

You’ve always been there, anticipating my secret thoughts, then poking those sensitive, insecure spots. Like a comfortable, yet emotionally abusive boyfriend.  I want out and yet I love you because no one else will ever know me like you do.  

I’ll never forget when I first had my babies and went on a posting rampage, sharing those typical first-time moments: first smile, tummy time, first bath.  And in response, you started sending me weight loss ads. Only you knew I still had 30lbs to go before my post-baby body would be fuckable again and your daily reminders really helped. So. So much.  weightloss-ads

It seems like just yesterday you once again portended my body image issues with advertisements for facial rejuvenation services and breast augmentation. I used to get these in my inbox at least once a week and wonder as I scrutinized my pores and floppy tits: “Did someone complain?  How else would you know?”

If I think really hard, I can remember a time when I may have searched “Single mother’s housing options + Vancouver”  and “How to survive on one income” during a big fight with my husband.  But it was hard to hide my feelings of restless and resentment wcheating-sitehen both my Facebook page and my inbox were flooded with ads for divorce lawyers. You may be disappointed to know my husband and I worked everything out – and without cashing in your coupons for Tinder and Ashley Maddison, but thanks for those thoughtful suggestions.

Timg_2650oday you sent me this ad.

I don’t know how to interpret this and it actually fucked me up a little because I just got through a mid-life crisis and shit like this actually makes me regress a little. I’m hoping you’ll read this blog or sense the intention behind it and consider sending me alternative ads for rock concerts or experimental theatre shows. Or better yet, a coupon offering a heavily discounted membership for a wine club.  Just a suggestion.

Sincerely yours,
Maia

What lovely little tidbits is the Facebook Oracle sending you?  Let me know.

And also subscribe and/or share because it will greatly improve my sense of self-worth and general well being. Thank you.