So. You may remember that I quit my shitty job. Well, you’ll be happy to know that through my amazing powers of manifestation, I managed to land two great contracts. I’m feeling all like I’ve totally mastered the “Power of Now,” because I can see that I’ve made a brave choice, processed all the lessons I needed to learn at that place and have now moved on to a better position as a more evolved person.
Ta Da, MotherFuckers!
But then it turns out I actually have a whole new set of personal challenges and limitations, which will create all kinds of unhappy shit in my life until I figure that stuff out. I have no idea where this originated, but whenever someone yells at me or uses some I can’t believe I thought you could be trusted, voice, I completely crumble. I forget that there were well thought out and reasonable, even smart reasons why I made the decisions I did. Instead of just pushing back and saying all that good stuff, I get apologetic and start flapping around trying to please everyone and of course, pleasing no one.
I know this is unacceptable, but before I take any real action, I must first complete my ritual of self-flagellation. Which I’m in the middle of doing when I get a call from my husband.
Now before I continue with this story, I must tell you that because I’ve been making my mid-life crisis look so fun, my husband has decided to have one of his own. He quit his job and has also rejected all oppressive tasks that just keep him trapped in old ways of thinking, like cooking and cleaning.
I would be completely fine with this if he used his time wisely by getting really very good at sex. But no, my husband has decided to fully dedicate himself to our children’ s competitive swimming careers and also to doing all the fun, cool stuff I used to do with them – back in the day when I had time and energy.
Do I sound selfish and bitter? I know. It’s one of my many faults. I don’t get a total monopoly on irresponsible behaviour. I know this mentally, but inside I can feel something beginning to bubble.
So today, after a week of harsh lessons, my husband calls me from the car. I can hear the kids fighting in the background. Someone is screaming.
“You’ve got to get home now! The kids are starving and even though I’ve asked Naomi to stop using her high pitched, screechy voice in the car, she won’t stop and I’m sick and tired of being….”
I just hung up the phone. I turned it off. I then crossed the street and settled myself into a seat at the nearest patio bar and ordered a double gin and soda. I pulled out my journal to sort out my thoughts. Since I couldn’t, I called Alice.
“What the fuck am I supposed to do?” I wept into the phone.
“I’m going to text you a number. Call it and tell her that I sent you. You CAN NOT tell anyone about this. But she’ll help you out. Just call her.”
So I called. “Tell me what the problem is,” the voice said over the phone. I could hear a child talking in the background. I told her everything. She asked several probing questions and then told me, “You want to know how to improve your current situation so you can have more time for your family and be more patient with your husband.” Yes. Yes. That’s pretty much what I want right now. She grew silent for a while. I could tell she was walking. Once I heard the sound of a door closing, she explained:
“Ok the way I work is like this: Tonight when I’m mastrubating, I’ll weave your wish into my fantasy. I can’t tell you exactly what this will look like, but the more detailed and exciting, the better the results. Then at the moment when I cum, an answer will come into my head. I’ll call you with it tomorrow.”
“How much do you charge?” I asked without thinking.
“Jesus! Nothing. I’m not a whore.” And she hung up the phone.
Yaletown has a sexual psychic. You’d never guess to look at the shimmery high rises, manicured dog parks and abundance of sports wear worn as normal clothing – that somewhere behind one of those windows a woman is solving my life’s problems armed only with a vibrator and some great imagination. Somehow it makes me feel comforted – even connected to another, more ancient time.
I got her call early the next morning. “When you find ways to say No, your life will open up. You must find your voice for the right situation and everything will fall into place.” She hung up.
“She’s always right,” Alice tells me when I relay the experience. “She’s got a real gift.”
I wonder if this gift is just isolated to her or if it’s something every woman can access if so dedicated to learning this craft. None the less. I’m thinking of suggesting a gift certificate for our next school silent auction. I think it would make a killing.
How are your truths revealed to you? Don’t be ashamed if it’s all perverted, illegal or just weird. It’s obviously all, all good.